Having To Be Forceful

6:30 pm

I called my sister because I was so excited to tell her about my tax refund amount.

My sister didn't work today because she couldn't sleep due to mild personal issues.  Anyway she spoke with mom today.  Mom didn't want to go to radiation.  She was giving excuses and said things like, "Well some people don't go because of the weather."  She's understandably just plum worn out, weak, tired.  And her throat is really bothering her.  She's been eating pudding and she said she's drinking but we really don't know.  We are taking her word for it.  Mom doesn't open up when she is in misery.  She closes herself to others because she doesn't want to burden anyone.  We are trying to tell her that she needs to open up to people.  She is not a burden.  I thought about how mom must be feeling.  Would I feel the same way??  I probably would.  But stubbornness runs in our family and we have to try and get through to her.

Then I was told that mom is beginning to lose her hair.  This saddens my heart so much.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it's another god awful milestone of this treatment.  Her throat is really sore and the nurses are going to prescribe a numbing medicine for her.  Thank god my sister was home because when she realized that mom was trying to avoid going to radiation today, she actually made my mom go.  When she got there, mom was sitting in the recliner with no TV on, just sitting there like a zombie.  This is becoming too frequent and worrisome.  Mom is also supposed to get blood work done at least once a week but after treatment today when Elisa said let's go get it done, mom insisted on going home.  Mom said on the way home from treatment, "I can't wait until this is all over for me...for everyone."  What did she mean by that I wonder?  Does she feel like a burden?  Is she giving up?  My sister didn't press my mom about this since my nephew was in the car and he was clearly upset because mom had also been gagging on the way home like she was going to throw up.

I heard enough and told Elisa I needed to get off the phone so I could call mom.

I was half angry and half frustrated when mom picked up the phone. I told mom that I just got off the phone with Elisa and that she told me what happened today.  I then proceeded to tell her, in a very forceful voice, "Mom, don't you want to see your grandkids graduate?  You have to BEAT this thing mom and the only way to do that is to continue with your daily treatments, getting your blood work done and making sure you eat and drink as much as possible.  And you have to TRY to get more exercise.  If you need help you CALL me.  If you need a ride you CALL me.  If you need anything you CALL me, do you understand???  My phone is on all the time.".  Her weak responses to these were "yeah".  I told her, "I'm going to call the center every day and make sure you went and if you didn't or don't, I'm going to stay with you to make sure you do!  I know it's hard but you have to do this.  I don't understand what you must be going through but I see it.  You have to beat this mom!".

We ended our call and it didn't take long for me to break down.  It is SO difficult to see her like this.  She was always my rock and my rock has become sand.  Now she must lean on me, I want her to, she needs to.

My mom was always the first person I called when I was excited about something.  I wanted to tell her about my awesome tax refund but couldn't because she just doesn't have the strength for emotions or anything else.  It killed me. I wish I could take this illness upon myself so that she doesn't have to suffer.  I broke down.  My heart is so heavy.  Not a good day for either of us I suppose.....