Mom is very weak because she can't eat. Her throat has been getting raw/sore again and it's very difficult for her to swallow.
I had to edit my last post....Mom lost 36 not 26 pounds in 6 weeks! Guess I don't do math very well. :)
Mom decided to skip radiation for the rest of the week. I told her I didn't like the idea. She's weak because she needs to drink more Ensure for the vitamins, minerals and protein. She's concentrating more on just Gatorade and staying hydrated but I told her that wasn't enough. Elisa and I are frustrated. Why can't they just give people shots of this stuff so they don't have to worry about getting the necessary nutrients!
Elisa has the day off tomorrow so she is going to try to push mom to get her treatment tomorrow. I told mom that if she fails to go the rest of the week, she then needs to tack on two days next week. Her last day was supposed to be Monday. I told Elisa to push mom to drink more Ensure too. Elisa and I will be there Saturday and will push mom more. She only has a few more days left, she has to hang in there and do what is necessary.
Mom was throwing up the other night too, which doesn't help. Will let you know later how things are going...
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Last day of chemo....for now
I walked through the door this morning to pick up mom for her long day of treatment. I wasn't prepared to see mom the way she was.
I hadn't seen mom in over a week, but talked on the phone with her virtually every day. She looked thinner and more of her hair was gone. I also noticed that her eyes looked different somehow. Upon closer inspection, it seems the medication she is taking is causing her eyes to dilate and she has less eyelashes. It's amazing, however, how she really hasn't lost that much of her eyebrows or other body hair. I'm sure that will change in the coming weeks.
Mom's last day of chemo was today. For now. We saw the doctor and her blood pressure was normal and she weighed 172 pounds. She has lost 36 pounds in about a month and a half. But her mentality seems good and her attitude as well which I am grateful for.
I spoke with the person in Accounting to pull her help in trying to get an answer from Social Services as to the status of mom's Medicaid application. She was able to get through. The application was still sitting here waiting to be processed? Seriously??
The bottom line is this: Mom qualifies but she must meet $600 in out-of-pocket medical expenses each month before she qualifies for Medicaid for that month. So it's like having to meet a deductible first. Katrina (the Accounting person) said she had never heard a high pay down like that before. She has seen as low as $14 up to $200. She wondered how they came up with that figure. I told her that it may be from a chart I saw on their website. She printed it out and found a dollar amount that could be a factor (the amount on the chart is deducted from total income and the difference is the pay down amount). She and I were outraged that mom's pay down of $600 was so high. It constitutes about 1/2 of mom's total fixed income. For real?? But you can help low income families with 8 kids and provide everything for them virtually free but can't help and elderly person on a fixed income who pays her bills each month on time and has a mortgage and sustains herself on a limited monthly income?? I thought Medicaid reimbursed you for medical expense and didn't realize that this is how it worked. Katrina said mom was better off paying the 20% Medicare doesn't cover as it would be much cheaper. I tend to agree. In any case, I will be giving Katrina a copy of the application and backup documentation so that she can look at it more closely and try to help. At least social services is also trying to get Part D for mom to help cover the cost of prescriptions as she doesn't have coverage right now.
I kept looking at mom today and remembering the pretty, vibrant woman who used to be and wished still was. Emotionally I'm fine until I see mom. It's so difficult to remember how she used to be and how much, physically, she has changed. Like I have said before, I never noticed mom ageing...until this happened. She's looking frail and old to me. I want to turn back the clock. I see pictures on the wall and see her in various stages of her life and one picture of her in particular. As I stand there and look at the picture of her smiling, I say to mom, "I am this age now that you were then." It's so weird because as I see her age more than ever, I too see myself age. It's unnerving.
I told mom how proud of her I am. She has come a long way and has handled it emotionally and physically overall, very well. She's clinging onto hope that she is beating this thing or at least giving it a good beating, lol.
Two weeks from today she goes in for a two-week follow up. The doctor may do a cat scan to determine where we are at with the cancer mass. The weekly xrays she was getting at the radiation center was only so they could determine where/how to apply the treatment...not to see if the cancer was shrinking.
So we will have to be patient a little while longer. I hope we get good news in the long run.....
I hadn't seen mom in over a week, but talked on the phone with her virtually every day. She looked thinner and more of her hair was gone. I also noticed that her eyes looked different somehow. Upon closer inspection, it seems the medication she is taking is causing her eyes to dilate and she has less eyelashes. It's amazing, however, how she really hasn't lost that much of her eyebrows or other body hair. I'm sure that will change in the coming weeks.
Mom's last day of chemo was today. For now. We saw the doctor and her blood pressure was normal and she weighed 172 pounds. She has lost 36 pounds in about a month and a half. But her mentality seems good and her attitude as well which I am grateful for.
I spoke with the person in Accounting to pull her help in trying to get an answer from Social Services as to the status of mom's Medicaid application. She was able to get through. The application was still sitting here waiting to be processed? Seriously??
The bottom line is this: Mom qualifies but she must meet $600 in out-of-pocket medical expenses each month before she qualifies for Medicaid for that month. So it's like having to meet a deductible first. Katrina (the Accounting person) said she had never heard a high pay down like that before. She has seen as low as $14 up to $200. She wondered how they came up with that figure. I told her that it may be from a chart I saw on their website. She printed it out and found a dollar amount that could be a factor (the amount on the chart is deducted from total income and the difference is the pay down amount). She and I were outraged that mom's pay down of $600 was so high. It constitutes about 1/2 of mom's total fixed income. For real?? But you can help low income families with 8 kids and provide everything for them virtually free but can't help and elderly person on a fixed income who pays her bills each month on time and has a mortgage and sustains herself on a limited monthly income?? I thought Medicaid reimbursed you for medical expense and didn't realize that this is how it worked. Katrina said mom was better off paying the 20% Medicare doesn't cover as it would be much cheaper. I tend to agree. In any case, I will be giving Katrina a copy of the application and backup documentation so that she can look at it more closely and try to help. At least social services is also trying to get Part D for mom to help cover the cost of prescriptions as she doesn't have coverage right now.
I kept looking at mom today and remembering the pretty, vibrant woman who used to be and wished still was. Emotionally I'm fine until I see mom. It's so difficult to remember how she used to be and how much, physically, she has changed. Like I have said before, I never noticed mom ageing...until this happened. She's looking frail and old to me. I want to turn back the clock. I see pictures on the wall and see her in various stages of her life and one picture of her in particular. As I stand there and look at the picture of her smiling, I say to mom, "I am this age now that you were then." It's so weird because as I see her age more than ever, I too see myself age. It's unnerving.
I told mom how proud of her I am. She has come a long way and has handled it emotionally and physically overall, very well. She's clinging onto hope that she is beating this thing or at least giving it a good beating, lol.
Two weeks from today she goes in for a two-week follow up. The doctor may do a cat scan to determine where we are at with the cancer mass. The weekly xrays she was getting at the radiation center was only so they could determine where/how to apply the treatment...not to see if the cancer was shrinking.
So we will have to be patient a little while longer. I hope we get good news in the long run.....
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Last Week of Chemo
Well this is mom's last week of chemo (well last day is Monday, 2/25).
Mom is doing well so far. Her blood pressure, blood count and weight is good. She just needs to remember to really push the proteins and fluids because of the chemo as it takes so much out of a person.
She is still getting radiation every day. Her last day is around March 4th. I didn't know this until I spoke to mom the other day, but apparently she has been getting x-rays every Monday and the doctor hasn't told her anything. And she didn't bother asking because she just wants to get her treatment and leave.
So when I am with mom next Monday for her long day, I plan on asking her doctor why he hasn't said anything about the x-rays. Maybe it's how they do things around there and won't discuss it with mom until this phase of treatment is over. Either way, I want to to know what is going on.
We are still waiting to hear from Social Services about mom's Medicaid application. I called last week and it still did not go through the eligibility process yet. Yeah, take your time....while mom is struggling to pay her bills.
I haven't had much time to write lately, my apologies, but not much has changed with mom.
Until next time folks... :)
Mom is doing well so far. Her blood pressure, blood count and weight is good. She just needs to remember to really push the proteins and fluids because of the chemo as it takes so much out of a person.
She is still getting radiation every day. Her last day is around March 4th. I didn't know this until I spoke to mom the other day, but apparently she has been getting x-rays every Monday and the doctor hasn't told her anything. And she didn't bother asking because she just wants to get her treatment and leave.
So when I am with mom next Monday for her long day, I plan on asking her doctor why he hasn't said anything about the x-rays. Maybe it's how they do things around there and won't discuss it with mom until this phase of treatment is over. Either way, I want to to know what is going on.
We are still waiting to hear from Social Services about mom's Medicaid application. I called last week and it still did not go through the eligibility process yet. Yeah, take your time....while mom is struggling to pay her bills.
I haven't had much time to write lately, my apologies, but not much has changed with mom.
Until next time folks... :)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Broken Machine
Well, mom had several days (since last Tuesday) with no treatment so that she could get well enough to resume treatment. She has been feeling much better...more each day.
She went yesterday to resume her radiation treatment only to find when she arrived, that their machine was broken. She went to get her blood work done and she was due to arrive today for treatment. The machine is apparently still broken!
Mom's frustrated as she wants to resume her treatments. The sooner she gets all of it done, the better. Right now she kind of feels like she is in limbo with her life and she just wants this part of the "cancer phase" behind her. Can't say that I blame her.
Her blood work came back with very good results. She is continuing to concentrate on strengthening herself inside and out. What a HUGE difference between this week and last week. She seems so healthy and alert!
Well, nothing else to report. 'Til next time, have a good night!
She went yesterday to resume her radiation treatment only to find when she arrived, that their machine was broken. She went to get her blood work done and she was due to arrive today for treatment. The machine is apparently still broken!
Mom's frustrated as she wants to resume her treatments. The sooner she gets all of it done, the better. Right now she kind of feels like she is in limbo with her life and she just wants this part of the "cancer phase" behind her. Can't say that I blame her.
Her blood work came back with very good results. She is continuing to concentrate on strengthening herself inside and out. What a HUGE difference between this week and last week. She seems so healthy and alert!
Well, nothing else to report. 'Til next time, have a good night!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Hair
Went over to mom's today to clean the house. I walked in as Elisa was cutting mom's hair. She needed to cut it before shaving it off.
As I was standing there watching, I was thinking here we are. Another step in in the life of cancer. One I never thought we'd be at in a million years when t came to mom. And yet there will be so many more steps to take.
Elisa took the shears and we both looked at each other, and then the process of shaving mom's hair off began.
You could see some bald spots where clumps of hair had previously come out. Mom is taking this process better than Elisa and I.
As I was continuing to witness this, I couldn't help but notice how frail mom looked. She suddenly appeared old to me....again. Twice in one week this hits me. And so the parent has become the child while the child has become the parent. Life does come full circle.
I asked mom how it felt for her hair to be shaved off and she just shrugged her shoulders. Didn't really bother her. She said it would grow back. She just wanted it off so she could shower, lol. She hadn't showered in a few days because it just kept coming off. She was waiting for Elisa to shave it. She's taking it alot better than we are that is for sure. To lighten the mood I said, "Gee mom, you're lookin' like a 67 year-old lesbian!". LOL. That brought a giggle out of her. We all started laughing. (I think Elisa was shocked I said that, lol.)
Elisa left some hair on her head, it's not completely shaved off. I told mom that it looks better when all that hair is away from her face.
As soon as Elisa was done, mom jumped in the shower. I began to clean the whole house for her. She feels better now that she is clean, the house is clean (and no hair laying around). She feels a little weak today but much better than she was feeling the beginning of the week.
Well...time to get ready for my much needed date night with Dan. Movie and dinner sounds good to me. Been awhile since we have gone out and had fun together. Need to get my mind off of things for a little while.
As I was standing there watching, I was thinking here we are. Another step in in the life of cancer. One I never thought we'd be at in a million years when t came to mom. And yet there will be so many more steps to take.
Elisa took the shears and we both looked at each other, and then the process of shaving mom's hair off began.
You could see some bald spots where clumps of hair had previously come out. Mom is taking this process better than Elisa and I.
As I was continuing to witness this, I couldn't help but notice how frail mom looked. She suddenly appeared old to me....again. Twice in one week this hits me. And so the parent has become the child while the child has become the parent. Life does come full circle.
I asked mom how it felt for her hair to be shaved off and she just shrugged her shoulders. Didn't really bother her. She said it would grow back. She just wanted it off so she could shower, lol. She hadn't showered in a few days because it just kept coming off. She was waiting for Elisa to shave it. She's taking it alot better than we are that is for sure. To lighten the mood I said, "Gee mom, you're lookin' like a 67 year-old lesbian!". LOL. That brought a giggle out of her. We all started laughing. (I think Elisa was shocked I said that, lol.)
Elisa left some hair on her head, it's not completely shaved off. I told mom that it looks better when all that hair is away from her face.
As soon as Elisa was done, mom jumped in the shower. I began to clean the whole house for her. She feels better now that she is clean, the house is clean (and no hair laying around). She feels a little weak today but much better than she was feeling the beginning of the week.
Well...time to get ready for my much needed date night with Dan. Movie and dinner sounds good to me. Been awhile since we have gone out and had fun together. Need to get my mind off of things for a little while.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Vast Improvement
My sister called to tell me how much better mom is feeling. What a huge difference since Monday. She was eating, drinking and wouldn't stop chatting, lol. Yeah, I told her how I knew mom was getting better because when I picked her up yesterday, she was chatting away on our way to the radiation center.
I called mom myself to get a first-hand account on how she is doing. Yep, she was being chatty and upbeat. My god, it was as if she was back to normal. So good to hear. She's been eating and drinking more and my sister had to stock her up on more Gatorade for fear she may run out. Awesome!
Mom hasn't been sleeping well but her medication gives her the ability to eat and drink. She takes a liquid numbing medication for her throat and then two Percocet's with yogurt. This takes away the pain so she can get food and liquids down more easily and she said this is helping.
Her hair is falling out more and more each day. Elisa will be shaving mom's hair off tomorrow evening. I hope it won't upset mom too much or be too much of a shock. If there is any brighter side to this, at least she doesn't have very long hair...that would be worse. And just think of the money she'll save as she won't have to get perms, cuts or haircoloring. :) And mom being mom, she said no sense vacuuming until she gets her hair shaved. Okay, you must be feeling better if you are worried about that, ha ha.
If any of you wish to reach out to mom, this week is a good time to do that. After this weekend, it's back to radiation every day and she may not be up to talking. She begins chemo treatments again on 2/18 for that whole week.
It's about half over mom. Hang in there!
I called mom myself to get a first-hand account on how she is doing. Yep, she was being chatty and upbeat. My god, it was as if she was back to normal. So good to hear. She's been eating and drinking more and my sister had to stock her up on more Gatorade for fear she may run out. Awesome!
Mom hasn't been sleeping well but her medication gives her the ability to eat and drink. She takes a liquid numbing medication for her throat and then two Percocet's with yogurt. This takes away the pain so she can get food and liquids down more easily and she said this is helping.
Her hair is falling out more and more each day. Elisa will be shaving mom's hair off tomorrow evening. I hope it won't upset mom too much or be too much of a shock. If there is any brighter side to this, at least she doesn't have very long hair...that would be worse. And just think of the money she'll save as she won't have to get perms, cuts or haircoloring. :) And mom being mom, she said no sense vacuuming until she gets her hair shaved. Okay, you must be feeling better if you are worried about that, ha ha.
If any of you wish to reach out to mom, this week is a good time to do that. After this weekend, it's back to radiation every day and she may not be up to talking. She begins chemo treatments again on 2/18 for that whole week.
It's about half over mom. Hang in there!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Road to Small Recovery
Took mom to her treatment. She seemed better than yesterday, much to my relief. She seemed to have a little more energy and she was talking better and her thought process seemed clearer.
We learned that her CBC levels were very low so the radiation center decided to cease her treatment until Monday to allow her body to heal. She has no immunity right now to ward off any infections so no one who is ill can visit her right now.
We went to the chemo center where mom received 2 liters of saline mixed with sugar and salt to balance electrolytes. She was talkative and seemed to have more energy. I could see her eyes! They didn't seem half-closed and her pallor looked much better. I was so relieved! She almost seemed like her old self.
So the nurse and I kept telling her over and over again how important it was to keep eating and drinking. I asked mom, "Don't you feel better than you did yesterday? Do you feel the difference?" To which she replied to both questions, "Yes." I said, "That should be the motivator to make you want to continue to eat and drink more and force yourself to even if you don't want to. Just remember how tired and worn out you felt and how close you were to ending up in the hospital." I advised her to get more intravenous fluids on Friday to hold her over the weekend just to be on the safe side and probably at least 3 times a week until all of her treatment is completed. Can't hurt.
So when we got home, I made sure she took her medication, drank some Gatorade and ate some dinner.
She seemed almost like she was in a good mood tonight. Thank you lord.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Close Call
I called my mom's chemo center this morning because I have been concerned about her deteriorating health. I know that with treatment, there are side effects but this just seems different some how. I then spoke with a very kind nurse in the radiation unit. We talked for about a half hour about mom's condition. I told her I felt mom wasn't getting enough fluids and eating enough despite of what she tells me. I feel as though she is holding back what she is really feeling and going through. She just sits in her recliner...alone...in silence....doing nothing but looking like she is at death's door. It's not sitting right with me. And I also told the nurse how mom is always saying she wants to suffer in silence. And that I was concerned about her emotional welfare as well.
After I spoke with the nurse, I called mom. She didn't answer. I was worried because she didn't sound that great last night. I left a message to call me so that I could make sure she was alright. Half hour goes by...nothing. I know she must be up by now.
I just had this feeling and couldn't shake it. I called my sister to see if she could go check on mom at lunch. She couldn't (her work sucks as far as I'm concerned). Dan couldn't because he was at a seminar. I called a close family friend but she was waiting for a serviceman. I was going to leave work but decided to call mom one more time. She answered!
I asked mom why she didn't call me back. She sounded loopy and she's barely talking. She tells me two different reasons that didn't make sense. I asked her if she wanted me to go to radiation with her (frankly, I didn't think she could take herself either) and she said yes.
I picked up my mom and when I walked in the door, there she was sitting in that recliner...alone...in silence, looking worse than when I saw her the other day. Oh my god, I don't like this AT ALL.
On the way to her treatment I asked mom what she ate today. She said one yogurt, 1/2 Ensure and some Gatorade. In my mind I'm thinking, that is not enough!
While we are waiting for treatment, a nurse stepped out into the waiting area. I read her tag to see if it was the same person as the one I spoke to this morning, but it wasn't. However, the nurse I spoke earlier this morning did say something to the effect of having someone talk to mom when she got there and make it seem like they do that with all of their patients so that it doesn't seem like we are sneaking behind her back (thank god she doesn't read this blog.) :)
She asked how mom was feeling. I told her how much mom ate today. And the nurse told mom that she needs more than the 200 calories she ate today and how important it was to be sure to eat and drink enough liquids. That you don't want to end up in the hospital. She told mom that she would like to chat with her after her treatment. Mom of course rolled her eyes because she just wants to get out of there afterward, and told the nurse what was on mom's mind..didn't care because I said that yes, would because it's important for her care.
After the treatment, mom got weighed, had her blood pressure checked and heart rate.
Mom lost a pound since yesterday and the nurse shook her head at mom about this because she told mom that she weighed her with a gown yesterday and today weighed her with clothes and shoes. Not good. Then it took three tries to take her blood pressure because the nurse couldn't hear anything through the stethoscope. The nurse had mom stand up to do it. It was low yesterday and dangerously low today (they didn't specify the stats). They reiterated to mom more strongly how important it was for her to drink and eat more and if she doesn't, she would end up in the hospital by the end of the week!
Because mom's throat is so sore, this is the reason why she's hardly eating or drinking and it also feels like there is a lump in her throat constantly. She received numbing medication which seems to help so she can get food and liquids down. She was also prescribed Percocet (oxycodone) for the pain. She took one but said it didn't work.
We were then supposed to go get her blood work done afterward and mom asked if it could wait until tomorrow. I was about to argue with her when the nurse said, how about if we get someone to come to you, will you do it then and mom said yes.
So they got the blood work but we won't know until this week what the results of her CBC levels are (white and red blood cell counts).
The doctor came in and told her if one of the Percocet's didn't work then she should take two. In fact, she should take two every four hours. She can take up to 12 per day. (I had no idea the dosage so I was glad I was there to hear this.)
Mom will be getting fluids at the chemo center tomorrow before her radiation treatment and I will be taking her and staying with her while she does. I also want to speak with the nurses there and make sure I don't miss any important information on her care or how she is doing tomorrow.
It was a silent ride home as I knew that it was very difficult for mom to talk.
When we got home, I crushed two Percocet tablets and mixed them with some chocolate pudding. I told mom to eat the whole thing (the nurse recommended this to get it down easier). I then made her some boxed mac n' cheese. I gave her about a cup and told her to eat the whole thing as it would contain about 1000 calories (can you believe it's 350 calories per 1/4 cup??). She had 2 1/2 glasses of Gatorade while I was there. I looked into the fridge, I didn't see any evidence of her eating or drinking adequately. The food and liquids I brought over last week were barely touched. The dishes I washed last week were still in the strainer so I know she hadn't been cooking herself anything either. I told her I thought she was fibbing about eating and drinking and she better make sure she starts doing it more. She said she honestly thought she was eating and drinking enough and clearly she wasn't and was so glad I was there or lord knows what may have happened today.
She was looking and feeling better by the time I left. She said she was feeling a bit better too. She had more color in her cheeks, her eyes were more open and she was more alert and talking more. All I can say is never ignore your gut instinct. Phew, close call today.
After I spoke with the nurse, I called mom. She didn't answer. I was worried because she didn't sound that great last night. I left a message to call me so that I could make sure she was alright. Half hour goes by...nothing. I know she must be up by now.
I just had this feeling and couldn't shake it. I called my sister to see if she could go check on mom at lunch. She couldn't (her work sucks as far as I'm concerned). Dan couldn't because he was at a seminar. I called a close family friend but she was waiting for a serviceman. I was going to leave work but decided to call mom one more time. She answered!
I asked mom why she didn't call me back. She sounded loopy and she's barely talking. She tells me two different reasons that didn't make sense. I asked her if she wanted me to go to radiation with her (frankly, I didn't think she could take herself either) and she said yes.
I picked up my mom and when I walked in the door, there she was sitting in that recliner...alone...in silence, looking worse than when I saw her the other day. Oh my god, I don't like this AT ALL.
On the way to her treatment I asked mom what she ate today. She said one yogurt, 1/2 Ensure and some Gatorade. In my mind I'm thinking, that is not enough!
While we are waiting for treatment, a nurse stepped out into the waiting area. I read her tag to see if it was the same person as the one I spoke to this morning, but it wasn't. However, the nurse I spoke earlier this morning did say something to the effect of having someone talk to mom when she got there and make it seem like they do that with all of their patients so that it doesn't seem like we are sneaking behind her back (thank god she doesn't read this blog.) :)
She asked how mom was feeling. I told her how much mom ate today. And the nurse told mom that she needs more than the 200 calories she ate today and how important it was to be sure to eat and drink enough liquids. That you don't want to end up in the hospital. She told mom that she would like to chat with her after her treatment. Mom of course rolled her eyes because she just wants to get out of there afterward, and told the nurse what was on mom's mind..didn't care because I said that yes, would because it's important for her care.
After the treatment, mom got weighed, had her blood pressure checked and heart rate.
Mom lost a pound since yesterday and the nurse shook her head at mom about this because she told mom that she weighed her with a gown yesterday and today weighed her with clothes and shoes. Not good. Then it took three tries to take her blood pressure because the nurse couldn't hear anything through the stethoscope. The nurse had mom stand up to do it. It was low yesterday and dangerously low today (they didn't specify the stats). They reiterated to mom more strongly how important it was for her to drink and eat more and if she doesn't, she would end up in the hospital by the end of the week!
Because mom's throat is so sore, this is the reason why she's hardly eating or drinking and it also feels like there is a lump in her throat constantly. She received numbing medication which seems to help so she can get food and liquids down. She was also prescribed Percocet (oxycodone) for the pain. She took one but said it didn't work.
We were then supposed to go get her blood work done afterward and mom asked if it could wait until tomorrow. I was about to argue with her when the nurse said, how about if we get someone to come to you, will you do it then and mom said yes.
So they got the blood work but we won't know until this week what the results of her CBC levels are (white and red blood cell counts).
The doctor came in and told her if one of the Percocet's didn't work then she should take two. In fact, she should take two every four hours. She can take up to 12 per day. (I had no idea the dosage so I was glad I was there to hear this.)
Mom will be getting fluids at the chemo center tomorrow before her radiation treatment and I will be taking her and staying with her while she does. I also want to speak with the nurses there and make sure I don't miss any important information on her care or how she is doing tomorrow.
It was a silent ride home as I knew that it was very difficult for mom to talk.
When we got home, I crushed two Percocet tablets and mixed them with some chocolate pudding. I told mom to eat the whole thing (the nurse recommended this to get it down easier). I then made her some boxed mac n' cheese. I gave her about a cup and told her to eat the whole thing as it would contain about 1000 calories (can you believe it's 350 calories per 1/4 cup??). She had 2 1/2 glasses of Gatorade while I was there. I looked into the fridge, I didn't see any evidence of her eating or drinking adequately. The food and liquids I brought over last week were barely touched. The dishes I washed last week were still in the strainer so I know she hadn't been cooking herself anything either. I told her I thought she was fibbing about eating and drinking and she better make sure she starts doing it more. She said she honestly thought she was eating and drinking enough and clearly she wasn't and was so glad I was there or lord knows what may have happened today.
She was looking and feeling better by the time I left. She said she was feeling a bit better too. She had more color in her cheeks, her eyes were more open and she was more alert and talking more. All I can say is never ignore your gut instinct. Phew, close call today.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Having To Be Forceful
6:30 pm
I called my sister because I was so excited to tell her about my tax refund amount.
My sister didn't work today because she couldn't sleep due to mild personal issues. Anyway she spoke with mom today. Mom didn't want to go to radiation. She was giving excuses and said things like, "Well some people don't go because of the weather." She's understandably just plum worn out, weak, tired. And her throat is really bothering her. She's been eating pudding and she said she's drinking but we really don't know. We are taking her word for it. Mom doesn't open up when she is in misery. She closes herself to others because she doesn't want to burden anyone. We are trying to tell her that she needs to open up to people. She is not a burden. I thought about how mom must be feeling. Would I feel the same way?? I probably would. But stubbornness runs in our family and we have to try and get through to her.
Then I was told that mom is beginning to lose her hair. This saddens my heart so much. I don't know why. Maybe because it's another god awful milestone of this treatment. Her throat is really sore and the nurses are going to prescribe a numbing medicine for her. Thank god my sister was home because when she realized that mom was trying to avoid going to radiation today, she actually made my mom go. When she got there, mom was sitting in the recliner with no TV on, just sitting there like a zombie. This is becoming too frequent and worrisome. Mom is also supposed to get blood work done at least once a week but after treatment today when Elisa said let's go get it done, mom insisted on going home. Mom said on the way home from treatment, "I can't wait until this is all over for me...for everyone." What did she mean by that I wonder? Does she feel like a burden? Is she giving up? My sister didn't press my mom about this since my nephew was in the car and he was clearly upset because mom had also been gagging on the way home like she was going to throw up.
I heard enough and told Elisa I needed to get off the phone so I could call mom.
I was half angry and half frustrated when mom picked up the phone. I told mom that I just got off the phone with Elisa and that she told me what happened today. I then proceeded to tell her, in a very forceful voice, "Mom, don't you want to see your grandkids graduate? You have to BEAT this thing mom and the only way to do that is to continue with your daily treatments, getting your blood work done and making sure you eat and drink as much as possible. And you have to TRY to get more exercise. If you need help you CALL me. If you need a ride you CALL me. If you need anything you CALL me, do you understand??? My phone is on all the time.". Her weak responses to these were "yeah". I told her, "I'm going to call the center every day and make sure you went and if you didn't or don't, I'm going to stay with you to make sure you do! I know it's hard but you have to do this. I don't understand what you must be going through but I see it. You have to beat this mom!".
We ended our call and it didn't take long for me to break down. It is SO difficult to see her like this. She was always my rock and my rock has become sand. Now she must lean on me, I want her to, she needs to.
My mom was always the first person I called when I was excited about something. I wanted to tell her about my awesome tax refund but couldn't because she just doesn't have the strength for emotions or anything else. It killed me. I wish I could take this illness upon myself so that she doesn't have to suffer. I broke down. My heart is so heavy. Not a good day for either of us I suppose.....
I called my sister because I was so excited to tell her about my tax refund amount.
My sister didn't work today because she couldn't sleep due to mild personal issues. Anyway she spoke with mom today. Mom didn't want to go to radiation. She was giving excuses and said things like, "Well some people don't go because of the weather." She's understandably just plum worn out, weak, tired. And her throat is really bothering her. She's been eating pudding and she said she's drinking but we really don't know. We are taking her word for it. Mom doesn't open up when she is in misery. She closes herself to others because she doesn't want to burden anyone. We are trying to tell her that she needs to open up to people. She is not a burden. I thought about how mom must be feeling. Would I feel the same way?? I probably would. But stubbornness runs in our family and we have to try and get through to her.
Then I was told that mom is beginning to lose her hair. This saddens my heart so much. I don't know why. Maybe because it's another god awful milestone of this treatment. Her throat is really sore and the nurses are going to prescribe a numbing medicine for her. Thank god my sister was home because when she realized that mom was trying to avoid going to radiation today, she actually made my mom go. When she got there, mom was sitting in the recliner with no TV on, just sitting there like a zombie. This is becoming too frequent and worrisome. Mom is also supposed to get blood work done at least once a week but after treatment today when Elisa said let's go get it done, mom insisted on going home. Mom said on the way home from treatment, "I can't wait until this is all over for me...for everyone." What did she mean by that I wonder? Does she feel like a burden? Is she giving up? My sister didn't press my mom about this since my nephew was in the car and he was clearly upset because mom had also been gagging on the way home like she was going to throw up.
I heard enough and told Elisa I needed to get off the phone so I could call mom.
I was half angry and half frustrated when mom picked up the phone. I told mom that I just got off the phone with Elisa and that she told me what happened today. I then proceeded to tell her, in a very forceful voice, "Mom, don't you want to see your grandkids graduate? You have to BEAT this thing mom and the only way to do that is to continue with your daily treatments, getting your blood work done and making sure you eat and drink as much as possible. And you have to TRY to get more exercise. If you need help you CALL me. If you need a ride you CALL me. If you need anything you CALL me, do you understand??? My phone is on all the time.". Her weak responses to these were "yeah". I told her, "I'm going to call the center every day and make sure you went and if you didn't or don't, I'm going to stay with you to make sure you do! I know it's hard but you have to do this. I don't understand what you must be going through but I see it. You have to beat this mom!".
We ended our call and it didn't take long for me to break down. It is SO difficult to see her like this. She was always my rock and my rock has become sand. Now she must lean on me, I want her to, she needs to.
My mom was always the first person I called when I was excited about something. I wanted to tell her about my awesome tax refund but couldn't because she just doesn't have the strength for emotions or anything else. It killed me. I wish I could take this illness upon myself so that she doesn't have to suffer. I broke down. My heart is so heavy. Not a good day for either of us I suppose.....
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Weak and Tired
Visited mom yesterday to celebrate Elisa's birthday. She's been very weak and very tired. Even though she hasn't had any chemo since Monday (but continues daily radiation), she has been making sure she goes to the chemo center for extra fluids.
She said although no more nausea, it has been very difficult for her to do anything without feeling like she ran a marathon. I fear she will severely struggle with treatment the next 3-4 weeks.
I've been keeping her stocked up on Gatorade, Ensure and yogurt and continue to encourage her to drink and eat as much as she can even if there is no urge to do so and to try to do some physical activity to help salvage some of her muscle strength. She just seems totally out of it. She has her good days and bad days thought. She seemed better the other day but I guess that is the way it goes with treatment...up and down.
It's so difficult to see her like this. A woman who was always active and running around to a frail woman who just sits in her recliner most of the time...with no tv on or playing games on the pc. She's been sleeping alot lately. I'm worried..guess that will never stop.
I truly pray that after all the agony of going through this treatment, that it will payoff in the end and she will be in remission.
Oh, I mailed the application for Medicaid on Monday. I hope we find something out soon. Will keep you all posted.....
She said although no more nausea, it has been very difficult for her to do anything without feeling like she ran a marathon. I fear she will severely struggle with treatment the next 3-4 weeks.
I've been keeping her stocked up on Gatorade, Ensure and yogurt and continue to encourage her to drink and eat as much as she can even if there is no urge to do so and to try to do some physical activity to help salvage some of her muscle strength. She just seems totally out of it. She has her good days and bad days thought. She seemed better the other day but I guess that is the way it goes with treatment...up and down.
It's so difficult to see her like this. A woman who was always active and running around to a frail woman who just sits in her recliner most of the time...with no tv on or playing games on the pc. She's been sleeping alot lately. I'm worried..guess that will never stop.
I truly pray that after all the agony of going through this treatment, that it will payoff in the end and she will be in remission.
Oh, I mailed the application for Medicaid on Monday. I hope we find something out soon. Will keep you all posted.....
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